Marcia and her granddaughter, Elizabeth, leading Jesse from the pastureThere’s a common element among moms who ride and who also have kids that ride. That element is known as the NAG Syndrome, and both parties fall prey to it. For moms, the NAG Syndrome is complex and originates from having made a substantial investment of time, emotion and money to provide a horse for their child or children. For moms who have horse experience or who may even be trainers themselves, outfitting their child with a horse and all the accoutrements carries a certain sense of pride and level of expectation. In one sense, the child is now a reflection of the mom’s horsemanship and her position in the horse community. This often is the trigger for the NAG Syndrome, an acronym which breaks down to NOW! ASPIRE! GOALS! These three words mean a lot to the mom—but to the child—not so much.
The NAG Syndrome kicks in most often when the child has plans to show the horse. The mom, realizing her child’s riding ability will soon be judged, feels herself a bit on display and therefore wants the child to make the best impression possible in the show ring. Thus, the nagging begins. It starts with urging the often complacent child to get out there right NOW and practice with the horse. The mom expects the child to ASPIRE to become the blue ribbon winner and to set GOALS to accomplish better horsemanship that will ensure more blue ribbons or at least respectable placings. The mother feels it is her duty and obligation to encourage the child since she has invested so much effort, not to mention the status of her reputation among her horsie peers. Unfortunately, “encouragement” is really nagging in disguise. It most often takes the form of coaching at the rail, enforced practice sessions at home and unsolicited advice anytime the child rides in the mom’s presence.
This type of pressure is not unique to horse showing. It occurs, in differing degrees, in many youth sports and competitions—Little League, ice skating, gymnastics and beauty pageants, for example. Children in these situations have their own strain of the NAG Syndrome, which forms the acronym NOT! ACCEPTING! GUIDANCE! It manifests in many forms ranging from talking back, to not listening, to various displays of body language and perhaps the most frustrating of all to a riding mom—the child becomes apathetic and will not ride to his or her ability—or ride at all.
The team at MM Training and Consulting is no exception to the addictiveness of the NAG Syndrome. Marcia recalls her own experience as both a mom and a horse trainer when one of her sons was showing several years ago. Marcia was strategically positioned outside the rail so she could coach her son while he was in the class. The next time he approached her spot on the rail, in anticipation of her words of wisdom, her son dropped his reins, shut his eyes and covered his ears! “It all becomes more about us than our kids if we aren’t careful,” Marcia said.
Davalee recounts her experience as a trainer/mom with two sons who won’t listen to her until they are ready. “I train horses professionally, and yet people have seen my sons’ horses behaving badly. They’ve seen my sons blame their horses for things that were not the horse’s fault. This is hard for me to watch, especially when I know how to take care of the problem. But I try to keep out of it until my sons ask for my help. They’ve learned more about horsemanship from some of their bad experiences than they ever would have learned from me handing them a trained horse. They’ve also learned about their own characters and their ability to handle difficult situations. It might hurt my reputation as a trainer when our horses don’t always behave perfectly, but it isn’t about me, and I always have to remember that. It’s about my kids and what they can do and learn. It isn’t about me at all.”
Then there are moms who have lots of riding experience but are not trainers facing the risk of damaged reputation. For them, the NAG Syndrome may originate more from emotion than profession. For these moms, riding is not only a hobby but also a passion they want to pass on to their kids. Often, these are moms who have shown a lot or perhaps just have a very deep love of all things horses. Naturally, they want their kids to ride and may expect them to share their level of passion and commitment to horses. But some times junior doesn’t share the same enthusiasm as mom where horses are concerned. This creates a breeding ground for the NAG Syndrome.
This scenario may sound familiar: a girl or boy has grown tired of either watching mom ride or riding behind her and has been begging for a horse of his or her very own. So mom acquiesces and provides a horse for the child, with the agreement that the child will help feed and care for the horse, and of course, ride it at least three times a week. All goes well for a while. But then mom makes the mistake of trying to teach her offspring the finer points of horsemanship and perhaps has higher expectations of where horse and rider should be than what the child has in mind. Or perhaps the child realizes having a horse requires more effort than he or she is really willing to put forth. What ensues is a vicious cycle of the NAG Syndrome. The more mom expects, the less the child will perform. The child may even begin to doubt his or her own ability, as mother, though usually with good intentions, nags the child to ride more and ride better.
Certain variables can make this down ward spiral even worse. For example, consider a situation where the mom has not purchased a horse for her child but instead handed down one of her horses, or perhaps her only horse, to the child. This may be a horse the mom has not only purchased but also has trained herself—training she sees as being “undone” as soon as the child starts riding it. This is a difficult situation for both parent and child. It becomes worse if the mom feels the horse is at risk for a certain amount of abuse, say if the child’s feel for the mouth is not developed, or even more so if she feels the child’s safety is at risk should the mount regress to the point of bucking or other undesirable behaviors. Add in feelings of fear, frustration and lack of an other horse for the mom to ride, and the NAG Syndrome can infect the whole family so that no one is happy, including the horse now standing idle in the pasture.
So what can we do as moms to inoculate ourselves and our children against the viral nature of the NAG Syndrome? MM Training and Consulting offers a few preventative measures for moms who want their kids to ride without becoming ensnared in this trap:
- Let riding be the child’s decision.
- Separate parenting from being a professional horse trainer.
- Be supportive but act almost disinterested, especially if the child is showing.
- Don’t use every second to try and teach the child something.
- Help your child choose three key words to help remember what to focus on like heels, hands or eyes.
- Step away from the rail; watch only from the stands or even from the horse trailer if it helps you keep from coaching.
- Let kids learn about setting goals and what happens if they don’t work to meet them and what happens when they do.
- Don’t offer advice unless the child asks for it or unless there is a real safety issue.
- Encourage the child to pick out (with guidance) and purchase his or her own horse; sharing horses does not work out well very often.
- Set an example by your own riding.
Avoiding the NAG Syndrome isn’t easy, but it can be done. If you find yourself falling victim to it, MM Training and Consulting plans to offer a pamphlet of anecdotes and tips that will help you get through some of the same issues we have encountered but with a lot less stress.