There are so many parallels between horse and human relationships and situations. This was brought to my attention yet again by the story of a horse that was sent to me for training. This 4-year-old bay gelding had about 20 rides on him when he was given to a teenage girl to ride. This girl loved horses and had positive intentions, but her skill level did not match the needs of the horse. She did not have her balance yet, which made her aids very inconsistent and she inadvertently pulled on the horse’s mouth. She would also hold on with her legs, causing her to bounce, and send mixed signals to the horse. The horse would become unsure and insecure and would stop. This wasn’t the response the rider was looking for and she would correct the horse with kicking or pulling on the reins. The horse understood it was being corrected but didn’t know why or what to do next. This continued until by the time the horse came to me there had been instances of the horse being completely unresponsive followed by bucking. The horse’s behavior seemed reasonable to me, given the circumstances, and this is how I explained the horse’s situation to his owner.

Suppose you get a job with a man who owns his own company. You’re excited about the job at first, but you need some training in order to understand all the facets of your job. The owner gives you instructions as to what you are to do, but they are unclear and confusing. When you try to ask the owner questions about the instructions, he yells at you and says to “just go do it!” You still don’t understand, but fearing being yelled at again, you go and try to do as he asked, feeling very unsure the whole time. You have to guess at what he wants and you aren’t getting any feedback from him about what you may be doing right. If he sees you doing something wrong, he yells at you and gripes about how slow you are to catch on. You spend the day doing the best you can and at the end of the day both you and the owner are frustrated. He is upset and angry and gives you feedback that is abrupt and unclear. He is obviously unhappy with you. He does not answer any of your questions and actually seems not to hear you as he talks over the top of you. You leave that day feeling frustrated and unhappy also.

The next morning you get ready to go to work and have definite feelings of anxiety and trepidation. Sure enough, the day goes very similar to the day before. The owner gives even more abrupt and unclear instructions, does not seem to hear you when you ask questions, and at the end of the day is more frustrated and angry than ever. You are frustrated and angry as well, and also have feelings of fear and anxiety. You dread having to go back to work the next day.

This scenario continues for a couple of weeks. Now the owner is docking your pay for poor performance, as well as yelling at you and not answering your questions. You feel like you weren’t given a chance to succeed in this new job and that you have been unfairly and meanly treated. Both of you are experiencing a gamut of negative emotions about the other. Things are about to come to a head.

Depending on your personality, your reaction at this point could be one of several things. You might quit, or just stop showing up to work to avoid a scene. You could get angry with the owner and yell back at him. You might feel victimized by the owner and experience feelings of fear and anxiety whenever he is around. Whatever your reaction, what you feel is resentful, angry, upset, frustrated or other negative emotions. You no longer like your job and you want nothing to do with the owner.

I think you can see the similarities between the pretend job situation and the bay gelding’s real life situation. The gelding had also experienced unclear directions, lack of feedback or feedback given in frustration, unfair corrections, no rewards, and had never had any of his questions answered. The bay felt the same feelings of fear, anxiety, frustration, anger and his initial reaction was to quit. When goaded, his escalated reaction was to buck. It made complete sense that when he wasn’t allowed to quit that he would react physically in the only way he knew. The gelding was defensive and resentful, didn’t like his job, wanted nothing to do with people and I could see why he would feel that way.

Given clear cues and aids, corrected and rewarded fairly, and with consistent time, patience and training, the gelding came around. He developed “try” and started to like his job and people again. He had many good qualities and a lovely personality and made a very nice partner for the appropriate owner.

Sometimes, when we have problems with a horse, we believe the horse is just being stubborn, stupid, lazy, or argumentative. When I find myself thinking those thoughts, I try to look at my actions and reactions. Is my communication clear? Have I rewarded the horse consistently and in a timely manner? Have I corrected fairly? Have I listened to what the horse is telling me? Have I answered the horse’s questions? Am I being patient and kind? Have my behaviors told the horse that I’m a safe person with who they can enter into a relationship? When I do those things, I create connection, value and partnership with my horse. And it works pretty well with humans, too!