What's the Need Behind the Deed?

  Are there days with your horse that just aren’t what you were hoping or planning?  Moments when your horse is just not “there” with you or gives you a negative reaction?  I know that happens to me.  Some times it feels like my horse woke up that day and thought, “What can I do today to wreak havoc with Davalee’s plan?”    I think we all have those moments.  For instance, my horse may jump when we go by something we’ve gone by a hundred times.  When those days or moments happen, there are a few questions I can ask myself to figure out what’s going on.  At MM Training and Consulting we call it the “Core 4” or “What is the need behind the deed?”  The questions are:

1. Does my horse have too much energy?
2. Is my horse afraid? 
3. Is my horse being disrespectful?
4. Does my horse really know what I’m asking or do I need to teach it?

Solving the problem behavior can lie within the answer to one of those questions. Instead of just reacting to the deed, I do something about the need.  If my horse is spooking or jumping at something familiar, she probably has too much energy and some groundwork or turn out time is her need.  When I stay in a problem-solving, proactive state of mind and remember to be fair I work my way out of a problem and into a productive situation that builds our relationship.

This works with people, too.  For example, I ask my spouse a question and he barks back at me.  Now my husband is a wonderful person, we have a normal, healthy relationship and I know that he loves me and his intentions toward me are positive So, my choice in that moment is to respond in kind, bark back and create a problem, or ask myself, “What is the need behind the deed?” (if the relationship was severely damaged or abusive I would need to take other action).   Maybe he is tired, not feeling well, distracted, or upset about something at work.  What does he need?  It could be a listening ear, a back rub, quiet time, or a chance to go to bed early and catch up on sleep.  By choosing to meet the need it sets us up for success in the moment.  It’s also an opportunity to build trust, respect and connection in our relationship.   Don’t miss the opportunities to build this in your relationships, whether horse or human.  Meet the need behind the deed!